Barnyards, Blank Screens and Bad Dreams

Once upon a time I had a dream.

I was trying out stand-up comedy.

And, as is common for stand-up comedians, I was trying to think of funny things to say.

But, first of all, no one could hear me over the viewing of Jurassic Park on the movie-theater-size screen in the background. And, second of all, I just wasn't funny.

As it turns out, my subconscious sucks at stand-up...

Guys, I haven't been the same since.

Every time I sit down to write anything, my evil shoulder criticizer is all, "Don't even bother. You'll never be funny. Remember that time you tried stand-up comedy in your dream...?"

Then it, the shoulder criticizer, gives me a sad smile, and poofs away.

I, in the meantime, am left staring at a blank screen, knowing that my dreams of publishing a humor column in a half-rate newspaper are crushed... gone... broken.

I won't tame the truth here--it has been hard times.

Because of this, I have been bottling up all sorts of exciting news.

Like how I've been thinking of ways to revamp the theme song from Puff the Magic Dragon. It's time that song made a come-back, don't you think?

And speaking of Puff the Magic Dragon, do you think I could be Puff the Magic Dragon for Halloween. Because I need a decent-enough-that-no-one-asks-me-what-I-am costume by tomorrow, and I've got nothing. I promise to start liking Halloween once I can figure out how to make a costume out of jeans, a t-shirt and some cool diamonds by my eyes.

You know what, maybe I could be Taylor Swift. She wears diamonds by her eyes. And she probably wore jeans once...

Do you think if I curled my hair, carried a guitar and wore a shirt that said, "Steven, Drew or Taylor Lautner?" people would know who I was? If not, I guess I could just throw a sheet over my head and say I'm Casper. But I'm pretty sure Casper doesn't wear diamonds by his eyes, or jeans for that matter.

And hey, as long as we're on the topic of Taylor Swift... who likes her new song Speak Now? I do. In fact, I like it so much that I have worked it into one of my life plans.

I came up with this idea a few nights ago when I was sitting in the car thinking about how the most exciting thing I had done in the past month was sing an Ashlee Simpson song on the freeway.

After a few minutes of thinking about ways to add a little carpe diem to my life, I came up with the following--

(The excerpt below has been written in present tense for dramatic effect -- or something like that.)

I drive to Vegas. Once there, I sign up for one of those shotgun weddings. Then, just as I'm about to say 'I do' to some stranger, one of my past lovers bursts through the doors. He is singing the new Taylor Swift song. Then he looks into eyes, stands up on a plastic folding chair, and asks me to meet him behind the barn. He, my past lover, doesn't approve of me getting married to this stranger, because he doesn't like the pastel colors that my guests are wearing. I think there are bigger issues in this wedding than the hues reminiscent of Easter, but I say yes to his barnyard proposal anyway, and take off running.

Later, I buy the wedding video so I can show my future grandkids.

(End present tense.)

Upon watching said video, the aforementioned future grandkids, will think the whole thing was all very romantic.

In fact, they will be so busy asking questions about this mystery man who doesn't like pastels, that they won't even have time or thought to ask me why I never did anything impressive with my life. I, in turn, will never be propelled to explain to the future generations how my dreams of becoming impressive by writing humor columns for a half-rate newspaper were crushed once upon a time by a failed attempt at stand-up comedy in, what can only be explained as, a very bad dream.