I I Smell Like Smoke, But Not Skunk

Before you decide to allow me to go camping with you, there are a few things you should know.

1) It will probably take me longer than I expect to get there. Instead of waiting for me, give me detailed instructions on how to get to the campsite. It will probably save you much heartache.

2) I am pretty much an amazing fire builder. BUT, you should not let me anywhere near the fire until it is built. Send me to a corner, tell me to close my eyes and count to 500. Then let me come out to see the pretty orange flames.

This is why.

It drives me crazy to watch other people boys build fires.

Every boy I have ever watched build a fire has the same recipe for disaster.

Add paper towel. Throw on 3 handfuls of pine needles. Light paper towel. Smother tiny flames with little sticks.

And then they like to blow on it once it goes out.

Now, I understand that this probably usually works, in Arizona, where all you have to do is drop a half-lit match on the ground and the whole forest blows up.

It especially usually works if you remember to bring a gallon of gasoline to throw on top.

And don't get me wrong. I am all for a gallon of gasoline on top.

But. But, if you forget to bring a gallon of gasoline and it rained the night before, you're going to have to excersize a wee bit of patience.

And if you don't exercise a wee bit of patience, or if you decide to throw pieces of cardboard on my patience creation, I reserve the right to act like a 5-year-old.

So seriously, send me to the corner before you start lighting matches.

Please and thank you.

3) I am, apparently, terribly frightened of skunks.

I first realized that I have skunknaphobia Friday night, when a skunk was sticking it's tail up in the air 5 feet from where I was standing.

I spent the rest of the night holding the flashlight on skunk guard as the rest of the group picked crawdads out of the lake.

All I could think was, a whole tub of tomato juice. That will probably cost $300.

And probably, I will still stink.

The good news is, the skunk did not spray us.

Or give us rabies.

The bad news is, I am still afraid of skunks.