I Seriously Need a Cat

I don't know if you know, but a certain gourmet cat food company is hosting the opportunity of a lifetime.

Which, incidentally, was not meant to be pun, but sort of is.

Here's why--

The other night I was watching re-runs of either How I Met Your Mother or Project Runway on Lifetime TV, when the commercials came on.

Usually, this would be the time when I hit the fast forward button on my remote.

But that night was different...

I was watching live TV.

Maybe it was fate. Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

But either way, that's when I saw it--the sign.

[Insert 1993 hit pop song by Ace of Base]

It was an ad for Fancy Feast's photo contest sweepstakes.

It told me to take a photo of me and my beloved pet cat, and I could be the winner of a big screen TV, year supply of cat food and...

A WALK-ON ROLE IN A LIFETIME MOVIE.

Ahhh!

Forget YouTube.

All I need is a picture of me and my cat. I'm going to be famous!

Not to mention, it's always been a life-long dream of mine to play a drug-addicted teenager with a propensity for spontaneous human combustion.

I'd even settle for a teenage runaway who sees ghosts.

And I'm sure that walk-on role is all I need to begin an illustrious career of playing distraught teenagers (preferably ones made famous by young adult literature) for the rest of my working life.

Obviously, I am already perusing Forbes magazine for the top ten places to retire at 28.

I've always wondered why, despite being a decade older, I still look 12.

And now I know.

It's so I can move to a retirement community in North Carolina while I'm still young.

There's only one flaw in my otherwise perfect plan.

I don't exactly have a cat.

I did once.

But that didn't really work out.

Don't worry though.

I have a back-up plan.

See, my neighbor had a cat that was not fixed.

And it was not kept indoors.

And it was a lady cat.

And, doing what lady cats do, it went and got itself all sorts of pregnant.

And so all I have to do, is walk down the street with some catnip, find the cuddliest of all the feral cats and take a photo with it.

In exchange for this photo, should I win the contest, I will give the stray a year's supply of a certain gourmet cat food.

You know, for helping me with the opportunity of a lifetime and all.