Current Issue #1-- Are E-Friends Ruining Your Life?

There's been a lot of hype lately about the potentially destructive nature of replacing real relationships with electronic ones.

Just the other day I was watching some high-quality television on Disney Channel when a public service announcement caught my attention.

On the screen, my two favorite funny-nose cartoon characters were spitting out internet relationship rules like, "Don't say anything on the internet you wouldn't say in person," and "Once you put something on the internet it's there forever." Beware.

I was like: Holy heck, if Phineas and Ferb are saying it, this must be serious."

So I did a little research.

Last April Facebook celebrated its 200 millionth friend. Just three months later, that number jumped to 250 million.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1995 there were 34 million people with cellphones. By 2003, 159 million people were carrying around cellphones.

And let's talk about texting.

More statistics from the Census say that in Dec. 2007 Americans sent 48 billion texts. The next year, in December, 110 billion texts were sent. That's more than a 100 percent increase.

Some guy, Castronova, who wrote a book, Exodus to the Virtual World, said there is going to be a gradual migration to virtual land. (This tidbit brought to you by the sometimes correct and barely credible source Wikipedia).

Virtual land, in case you are wondering, is that place in front of the computer where you're mind goes blank and you spend hours talking to pictures of best friends' heads.

You can also get to virtual land by sliding the arrow on your iPhone and immersing yourself in the city of apps.

Some people create a new identity in virtual land. Others go there simply to find acceptance for who they are.

Whatever your reason for taking a trip into virtuality, it's making some people concerned about losing reality.

You might have heard about facebook replacing face time.

Or about text messages replacing voice messages.

As a self-proclaimed speed texter, myself, I'd like to offer my 2 cents on the matter.

Do I think it's disconcerting that if I'm feeling particularly needy or attention-deprived I log onto my facebook account every 5 minutes and cross my fingers that someone has written on my wall?

Yes.

But, would it be less disturbing if I showed up on my neighbor's porch every time I felt the need for some good, old fashion validation?

That's a rhetorical question. Think about it.

And, here's a more important question-- Did we have the same kind of alarmed conversation when telephone calls replaced horseback rides to the neighbor's house?

Was the world suddenly like, "We're going to lose face-to-face social interaction because we can now talk via this plastic handle; now we'll be confined to this corner of the kitchen because the cord only reaches so far"?

Or did that conversation wait until the invention of the fax machine ruled out personal deliveries?

Either way, my point is, if there was worry, it was moot. Phone conversations are practically extinct now, driven out by the climate change called text messaging. Fax machines can barely hold a candle to scanners and email addresses.

Soon all we'll do is text and type. People won't even know what our voices sound like. Girls with man voices and boys in puberty can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

And to those of you who are right now thinking, "That is exactly my point--how can you get to know a person via electronic communication wherein you don't even hear the other person's voice?" I say this--

First, E-Harmony marries off somewhere around 236 people every day.

Show me a face-to-face conversation that does that.

And second, chill out. Soon texting will go away just like horseback rides to your neighbors' farms and phone calls confined to kitchen corners.

Enter Bluetooth mind readers.*

Just put this small cockroach device in your ear and the whole world can know what your thinking in real time. No dial up necessary.

And sure, at first, everyone will think the new social networking design is really distracting.

But soon we'll adapt, and like human versions of Edward Cullen, the constant status updates will just become a subtle buzz in the back of our brains.

And we'll all laud the brilliance of the mind reading blue teeth, because, after all, they will completely relinquish the need for iPods, cellphones, and television sets.

Like you can hear anything else with all that buzzing--

Status: I like Jimmy and I think he likes me.

Reply: BAHHHH! I'm so excited.

Reply: How could you? You know I have always loved Jimmy.

Reply: Jimmy here, you thought wrong. I mean, I think you're nice. I don't want to ruin the friendship? (And I would rather makeout with a shoe.) *Awkward Moment of Silence* I didn't mean that.

*Jimmy logged off mind-reading blue tooth*

Time lapse: 3 seconds.

Now imagine 30 of those updates happening all at once. Fun right?

Guaranteed to provide a constant stream of reality-TV-type, high quality drama.

Like Twitter, but chirpier.

Because people think things all the time that they would never type.

You know that last thought you just had?

BAM! Status update sent to all 385 of your friends who are currently logged into their blue tooth mind reader.

Best part about it, as long as you're wearing your mind reading blue tooth, you'll never be alone. You'll be socially networked to three thousand of you closet strangers from all over the world.

And you'll know them on a deep and personal level--granting that you can understand the language of their thoughts.

As a side perk, it would completely rule out the whole sex offender ordeal.

Jack from the next city over is sending you a mind message...

"Hi, I think you're cute. (And I want to rape you.)

D--- this mind reading machine."

* The mind reading blue tooth is not an actual product. It exists only in the imagination of Alec. And, possibly, the future.

It is an unpatented vehicle to virtual land.