Tobacco: Smelly, Teeth Staining, Puking, Etc. Etc. Etc.

There is a squashed up, already-smoked, cigarette in my room.

I guess it's time to teach Roxy about the harmful effects of nicotine and tar.

Oh Roxy, if the reason for your old woman hacking is an addiction to the Camel brand, I am going to be so disappointed.

First of all, because I spent five dollars on off-brand, human allergy medication that was advertised as dog and cat meds.

Second of all, because I don't brush your teeth everyday for you to go ruin those pearly whites with nasty cigarette smoke.

(Okay. Whatever. So I don't really brush your teeth everyday. But that is still not a reason to take up smoking.)

Third of all, I can't condone smoking. There are certain things that you have the right to choose, like whether you will sleep 6 or 8 hours per day. But other things, like the brand of dog food you eat, how much dog food you eat, whether we go to the park on any given day, what route we take when we go on a walk, the time of night that you can go outside and use the grass for business-doing, how often you are dressed up in my build-a-bear's cheerleading outfit, when you get a Milkbone and, most importantly, if you are allowed to smoke, are completely up to me.

Roxy, I realize that you are probably not smoking, nor addicted to nicotine, nor aware that there is a cigarette brand named Camel.

I also realize that that nasty little cigarette is near the area where I keep my shoes, and it probably just got stuck to the bottom of one said shoe before I walked inside.

But, this is still a serious problem.

That squashed up cigarette is seriously grossing me out.

And I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would never pick up a cigarette, even while doing community service in the park when the purpose was to pick up litter.

And so now, until I get the vacuum, that cigarette bud will just live in my room, perpetually grossing me out and somehow making me feel like a bad person. Like a bad person who probably subconsciously smokes cigarettes. Or a bad person who smokes cigarettes while she's asleep.

That would, after all, explain all those guilt-ridden dreams, from 10 years back, in which I smoked because it was the only way I could land a role in an episode of Full House...or something like that.

Just so you know, Mr. Full House casting director, I won't smoke OR even pick up the nasty, squashed-up cigarette on my floor--not even for a role as the third Mary Kate and Ashley.

You want to know why?

Because Tobacco is a smelly, teeth-staining, puking, etc. etc. etc. habit.

And probably just picking up that wadded bunch of nicotine will stain my teeth.