If You Have Received this Message, It Probably Means I'm Not Available to Talk Right Now. It Also Probably Means I Will Forget to Call You Back. BEEP

I'm really bad at returning phone calls and text messages.

Not that those of you who have known me longer than 5 minutes aren't wholly aware.

But what you probably don't know is, I think it may have something to do with my occasional habit of talking to myself.

Which reminds me, I need to sign up for ventriloquism classes. That way I can talk to myself in the car without getting weird looks from the Civic driver next to me. This, of course, would be particularly useful when I need to vent but don't want to bother anyone with my petty drama and don't feel inclined to hold the phone to my ear in a pathetic attempt to pretend I'm actually talking to someone on the other end of a phone line. Note to self.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand: failing to return communication attempts.

Here's the basic process I follow when receiving a text or voicemail message.

1) Listen/Read.

2) Respond, out loud, with what I actually would like to say to the caller/texter.

Usually my response is something to the effect of, No I can't hang out with you this weekend. What if I'm too tired to leave my room? What if I need to cover a breaking news story? What if my future husband comes to my house selling bug spray, WHILE I'M GONE? Besides, I have important plans for this weekend--plans to sit on my couch and bite my nails.

3) Then I try to be rational. And realize that hanging out would probably be better than watching another Dora the Explorer re-run.

4) That's when my commitment-phobia kicks in and screams, Don't Do It!--Whatever you do, do not make a plan in advance.

5) I, without fail, listen to the crazy voice, and think of a nice way to say: I'd love to hang out, but I have to bite my nails--they're getting somewhat long, after all.

6) Then I look at my phone, willing myself to respond to the message. Just type that nice response you came up with into the little text box and press send, I think.

7) And finally, I put my phone down and promise to get back to the person when "I'm less busy."

Before long I forget that the person ever sent me a message, or sometimes just forget that I didn't respond. I did, after all, spend a very long time responding with my mind, and sometimes my mental to-do list thinks that counts.

So, my point is two-fold--

First, if you have left me an unanswered message within the last week, I'm sorry. I've been even worse than usual at getting back to people the last few days.

Second, I'm wondering if I should try to provide a brief explanation when I finally set up a voicemail recording for my phone.

Like, for instance, "Hi, this is Alec. Leave me a message. But please don't expect me to respond. Unfortunately I have in my possession one of the few remaining phones that only works one way." BEEP

Or, "Hi, you have reached Alec's answering service. Alec will be out of cell phone range for the next 2 weeks (or possibly 2 years), but will be returning calls upon her arrival. Please leave a message so she can call you just as soon as she has exited the Galapagos Islands." BEEP

Or something simple like, "Hey, this is Alec. Please state your intentions. Your name and phone number would also be appreciated." BEEP

And then there's always the honesty route, "This is Alec. If you are calling to try to schedule something in advance, please hang up and call back later. I am scared of most things advance. I feel it is somehow an infringement on my freedom. I like to have the right to choose. And I tend to make plans in 5 minute increments. If you are a recording, I don't even believe that you're going to book me a cruise. If you're being serious, please mail me the ticket. If you are calling for a reason not mentioned above, please leave a name, a number and a brief list of reasons why I should return your call." BEEP

Or how about this, "Please understand, if I don't return your call, it does not mean I hate you. Leave a comment after the beep."

BEEP