In Which I Compare Dating to Fast Food and Alcoholic Beverages (Or Something Like That)

Let me tell you something about meeting people--

It's like doing long division when someone should just invent the calculator.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what with my current situation of being in a new city with thousands of opportunities to meet new people.

Positive Thinking to Get Real Translation:

I have been thinking about creating a dating profile under the screen name Friendless in Phoenix.

Or should it be "Phriendless" in Phoenix.

And in the all about me section there will be three words and a punctuation mark:

I am phat!

Just kidding.

ANWAY, the point is, I don't know every single person at church, at school and at work anymore, SO I have to, you know, meet people.

And here's the problem with meeting people--

A little thing I call "Bar Culture Mindset."

Here's what I know from pop culture and reality television--or, as Jane Austen would put it, this is a truth universally acknowledged:

If I want to meet someone, I should dress up in my most designer looking outfit, do my hair like Selena Gomez from Disney channel, squint my eyes and pretend to be sexy, and then stand in a corner until some guy offers to buy me a drink--or you know, for all us non-alcoholics out there--offers to take me out for McDonalds sundaes.

Pop culture fail.

You want to know why?

Because:

a) When I try to do the squinty sexy thing, I just look tired.

b) Selena Gomez has a hairstylist. I have 15 minutes with a straightener plugged in next to the toilet.

c) Sometimes I just want to skip the small talk over sundaes and head straight for the best friends forever, we can talk about anything, or just enjoy the quiet, stage.

This is why, I think, it's time to change society and adjust our culture.

Into...

GENERATION: Subway.

Think about it.

It's Friday night and you're looking to meet some new people, find a new crush, step into the scene.

What do you do?

Throw on a pair of Target jeans, sweep your hair into a messy bun, and, with a combination of florescent lighting and open eyes, you might actually see what the person standing across the room from you looks like.

Here's the best part though. When you walk in the room, there will be a shop clerk. And he'll be like, "Welcome to Subway, what can I get you today?"

And the rest is up to you.

I for example would ask, "Can you point me in the direction of the twenty-something-year-old boys who pretend like they're looking for a serious relationship but really just want to take me four-wheeling and watch movies like dumb and dumber?"

But if you're more of a ham and cheese person you could say,

Funny and outdoorsy with blond hair.

Or if you like wheat bread,

Smart and thoughtful with just a little bit of nerdy.

And, if you're into bologna,

Totally designer, hott and charming.

Don't you think that would make it easier for everyone?

It's like E-Harmony with a drive-thru window.

GENERATION: Subway.

Cutting the long division and calculating positive relationships.

One customer at a time.